Find your tribe
Parenting is hard work, but it’s the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done.
I live with my wife and our three adopted children aged nine, five and three. We celebrated two years together as a family this April. We couldn’t imagine life without them.
Becoming a parent to three children all in one go was very joyful, but also totally overwhelming!
I was fortunate to be able to take three months of adoption leave to spend some time getting settled as a family, before heading back to work at reduced hours, then full-time about three months later. There are plenty of experienced parents among my colleagues, including the senior leadership of my department. They were very willing and able to provide me with some moral support and practical guidance as I transitioned back into work life.
“Being a parent gives me a huge sense of joy and meaning, and so does my work in complementary ways.”
They were also very understanding and gave me the space to adjust to my new work-life equilibrium, shouldering some of my administrative responsibilities while I found my feet.
No one had the same kind of parenting story as I did. But I found the perspectives of stepparents particularly resonated.
The best part of being a working parent is having my family to go home to at the end of a shift – we have a lot of fun together, and they have taught me how to really switch off from work, and to be present. Being a parent gives me a huge sense of joy and meaning, and so does my work in complementary ways.
But I am always exhausted, and I feel split.
I’m never able to quite give as much as I’d like to my family, or to my work. There is never enough time to do all the things I’d like to.
Being a working parent has been good for helping me learn the art of prioritisation and carefully selecting my commitments, as well as adjusting my expectations. I couldn’t do it without a partner who is phenomenally supportive of my work and career, and unbelievably dedicated to our kids.
Shift work has its pros and cons. There is no childcare available when I am working late shifts or weekend shifts, and it’s tough for my wife having three kids on her own.
“I’ve learned (slowly and painfully) that I don’t perform at my best, either as a doctor or as a parent, if I neglect my own wellbeing. ”
On the flipside, shift work means I have time off during the week to be there for the school drop off, swimming lessons, appointments and play dates, as well as a regular midweek lunch date with my wife while the kids are all in school.
One advantage of the COVID-19 age is that conferences and meetings are often available remotely or in hybrid format. I can attend remotely, or stream from home, which is so much more accessible without impacting my family life.
I’ve learned (slowly and painfully) that I don’t perform at my best, either as a doctor or as a parent, if I neglect my own wellbeing.
During the first year of parenting, I was mostly in survival mode. This was during COVID-19 lock downs, and then strict isolation requirements for even fleeting potential exposures, or the most minor respiratory symptoms (an almost universal occurrence in a household with 2 pre-schoolers!)
Recently, I’ve been able to carve out a little more space to take care of myself, but I find I need to be really organised and intentional about it or it doesn’t happen.
I go to the gym at 5am a few days per week, and I find time to meet up with friends for dinner after the kids are in bed.
My commute time has become vital, either for phone calls, listening to podcasts, audiobooks or just downtime.
“Find your tribe and your support crew – you will need them.”
Maintaining good relationships must be a priority if we’re going to thrive as a family. My wife and I have lunch together once a week and we make sure we get a babysitter every fortnight so we can go out for dinner.
If you work in medicine, and you want to start a family – I encourage you to consider foster care or adoption, as my family has done.
My advice for new parents would be that taking care of yourself is an important part of taking care of your family. I have learned that a key ingredient for good mental health is to be present in the moment – to notice and enjoy the wonderful moments and remember that the challenging moments will pass.
Find your tribe and your support crew – you will need them.
This is part of a series of articles exploring parenting and emergency medicine. ACEM's Statement on Parenting in Emergency Medicine was released in January 2023, and aims to promote wellbeing and career sustainability for ACEM members and trainees with parenting and caring responsibilities.
